I just really wish ….

I’ve just sat down on the sofa. Jonah, Seth and Leah aren’t too long asleep.  The ironing is done. The work tops cleaned. Ben is out.

It’s a normal kind of night. Our computer is on … as it usually would be … there’s always someone doing something. Our screensaver is set to loop our “Elijah” photo album. Tonight it catches my eye. There’s nearly always 1 photo that does. But tonight I can’t take my eyes off it. Even as I’m typing this on my phone I keep watching the images from the corner of my eye.

I just want to hold him again. I just want to kiss those cheeks, rub that wee head. I just want to have him here.

I know I’ve accepted our story. I know there’s a plan and a purpose.  I know that. I believe that. I know it has taught us so much. I know Elijah left a great big footprint here.

I just really wish tonight, that this wasn’t our story. I just really wish tonight that this wasn’t part of our plan.

I just really wish tonight I could go down to his bedroom, and fret about whether or not he is too hot.

I just really wish tonight I was tidying up his toys that had been scattered from one end of the house to the other.

I just really wish tonight I could sneak in and watch him sleep and hold his wee hand.

I just really wish tonight I was packing his swimming shorts in the bag with Jonah, Seth and Leahs.

I just really wish tonight that …. he had lived.